Emotional Detox?

I didn’t really mean to not be around this week… I just haven’t been cooking any new, fun things. The detox is still going well – we are 100% on track and haven’t cheated at all! I promise to try some new recipes out this weekend. I haven’t really noticed any significant changes in energy levels but I did sleep like a rock last night which is a rarity. (Though, I did have crazy dreams.) I’ve also dropped a couple pounds – just water retention from our NYE gorge-fest.

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Wednesday after work, I had physical therapy and yesterday, we had our first team meeting for Ragnar. I’m a bundle of mixed emotions right now. I’m feeling fat, lethargic, gross, and very self-conscious. I know a lot of it has to do with my current injury (patellofemoral syndrome) and the lack of exercise along with the last couple of very indulgent months (trip to Hawaii, Thanksgiving, trip to Phoenix, Christmas, Huz’s birthday, New Years). I’ve packed on a solid 10 pounds in 2 months. That hurts to say out loud. My pants are snug and uncomfortable. Big bulky sweaters are my new best friend.

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I don’t know if you know this about me but I am really hard on myself and don’t have the best self-image. I’m working on it. Sort of. Self-help books make me want to gouge out my own eyeballs with a plastic spoon though. Affirmations and self-talk? No thanks. In the past, I’ve handled this through exercise and good diet, knowing that I am putting in my best effort – dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s. Weight lifting makes me feel strong and confident. Successfully running 2 half marathons (albeit, slowly by most standards) makes me feel like I can conquer the world.

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But this damn knee pain, I tell ya, it’s annoying. The thing with it is that it isn’t a constant chronic pain, and it’s not a sharp obvious injury. It’s just annoying. Stairs can be uncomfortable, low impact, low resistance cardio make me achy. Clicking noises are disconcerting. And I’m getting really antsy. I don’t do well with rest. I get pudgy and lazy because I really like food. And booze. And chocolate. Preferably boozy chocolate. Which I can’t have right now and that makes me ragey.

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For the first time in my life, I want to run. I want to hit the pavement. I want to work on my form and develop an iota of speed. I want to train. I’ve already registered for 3 races for 2012 and I would really like to be able to see them through. Our team meeting just made me more anxious – the fact that others are relying on me to not screw this up? Great…

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So for now, I’ll keep doing my physical therapy exercise. I’ll stop trying to run and push it. I’ll keep chugging along this detox and hope that this mild panic attack is actually a byproduct of detoxing – ridding my body of this negativity that has been eating at me for the last few weeks. You feel worse before you get better, right?

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